Changes

You might have noticed that I changed the title of my blog. Heck, if you're here, you might just be amazed that I'M here. It's been a while. It's not the only change I want to make, but change takes time, so wait for it...

First of all- I'm turning 40 this year. And I think there are some things that I need to do in my life. Not big things. Well, maybe big things. But I'm not talking career changes (good, since I don't have one), or uprooting my family, or say, gender-reassignment, so you can all breathe a little easier. I guess I'm just saying that I want to work on some stuff. But let's not call them New Year's Resolutions, because then they're just begging to be ignored. So, onward and upward...

Why gathering the marbles? Well, the other day I was playing this marble thingamajig with my kids. It is one of those contraptions that you can configure all sorts of different ways so that marbles roll down ramps, and through tubes, and around spirals- you know? And we were all putting marbles in, and watching them roll down, and then grabbing them as quickly as we could and starting the whole process all over again- and we were laughing, and fascinated. Anyhow, it was one of those joyful moments with my kids (which seem to be few and far between sometimes), and it got me thinking about marbles.

So as I pondered marbles, I began to realize that there is something very allegorical going on here. You know the old expression "I'm losing my marbles"? Well, for the first time, I think I really get it. I thought of my fascination as I watched those marbles roll rapidly down an ordered path. So many marbles. It was almost chaotic. The sounds were chaotic, and those little balls were moving so fast. But they were getting to the bottom, and then we were picking them up, and putting them back in, and watching the whole cycle repeat itself. Controlled Chaos.

And I realized, this is my life. I am constantly trying to juggle (and forgive the mixed metaphors here) a whole bucket of marbles: 5 kids (and all their marbles), the laundry, my calling, my husband, my friends, my work on the soccer board, what's for dinner, who needs new shoes, is there money for the new shoes, where's the cat, did I feed Mom and Dad's cat, where are Mom and Dad, for that matter, and do I need to pick them up at the airport- and a million other minutae of everyday life.

But here's the thing: I think I've lost my marbles.

Have you ever watched your little child carrying a bowl of something across the floor, and then drop the bowl? Witnessed the devastation on that child's face as they watch every little cereal ball scatter wildly in different directions? Watched the lip tremble, the eyes well up, and the tears begin to come? Well, right now that's me.

I have been carrying my bowl of marbles so carefully across the floor, but they've spilled, and they are rolling wildly in every direction, and I sure as heck can't catch them, and I'm not even confident that I can pick them all up, or quite frankly, where to even begin. My first impulse is to sit down in the middle of the mess and burst into tears. But instead, I will try to take a page from my own book. If it was Colton who spilled, I'd say "Come on buddy, I know it looks like a mess, but if I help you, we can have it cleaned up in no time."

And so, I will try to remember that there are people out there who love me every bit as much as I love Colton. And there is Someone, Somewhere, who loves me even more, and is infinitely more capable than I. And I will try to put my faith where it belongs, and start crawling into corners to gather the marbles, and see if I can't get them rolling again- in that chaotic, noisy, repetitive, yet fascinating (and dare I say joyful?) way.